TUFF TURF (1985)

It’s been a long time since my eyes have graced the 1985 New World Pictures release, TUFF TURF. You know the one. Jimmy Spader as the ulta-cool Connecticut transplant slumming it up in an L.A. high school, running afoul of Nick (Paul Mones, STREETS OF FIRE), trying to get busy with Frankie (Kim Richards, the WITCH MOUNTAIN series) and hanging out with Jimmy (Robert Downey Jr., THE PICK UP ARTIST), who just happens to play drums for Jim Carroll (musician and author of BASKETBALL DIARIES) even though he’s in high school.

Spader’s character, Morgan, has just moved to L.A. with his Mom (Claudette Nevins, 1961’s THE MASK) and Dad (Matt Clark, WHITE LIGHTNING). Dad apparently was a real estate agent who lost his business and Mom doesn’t seem to be adjusting to the move too well, not to mention she doesn’t approve of Morgan’s tendency to cause trouble where ever he goes and the fact he gets kicked out of prep schools a lot.

Why these people had to leave Connecticut for L.A. so Dad can drive a cab in the shitty parts of town while trying to get his California real estate agent’s license is never really explained. But then again, TUFF TURF didn’t win the 1985 Oscar for best original screenplay.

At his new public high school, Morgan gets the hots for Frankie, who happens to be the girlfriend of gang leader Nick, who heads a local group of ruffians called the Tuffs.

Hence, TUFF TURF.

Obviously, this causes a lot of trouble for everybody involved, culminating in a warehouse showdown and a big musical ending. Not to mention a few musical interludes along the way.

Matter of fact, I never remembered TUFF TURF being a fucking musical.

What TUFF TURF really is, is THE POM POM GIRLS meets THE BLACKBOARD JUNGLE, except nobody’s black and Jennifer Ashley isn’t in it.

TUFF TURF reminds me so much of the Crown International teen flicks of the 70’s, like the aforementioned POM POM GIRLS. In Crown International flicks, teenagers do whatever they want and they were like these travelogues of things to do when you’re a teenager. You drive around Beverly Hills and look at houses for a long time. You crash country clubs. You dance really badly at concerts in warehouses. You do very visual things only teenagers would do in movies, if only to make it look like there was more money involved in the production and to pad out the running time to feature length.

And every so often, bad, violent things happen. And you throw Kim Richard’s titty in there too (however, it was a body double, but hey, titty’s titty). And you make it all look like an 80’s music video, which in the 80’s, people did.

Suffice to say, I really enjoyed this goofy ass movie.

It’s main fault is that it never knows what the hell it wants to be. A musical? A gang pic? An after school special? Yet 23 years later, that’s what makes it unique. It’s a throw-shit-and-see-if-it-sticks pastiche of teen movie clichés wrapped up in Madonnaville.

The acting is spot-on all the way around and the kinetic energy the film spits out keeps you watching. Director Fritz Kirsch (CHILDREN OF THE CORN) gets the most out of his limited budget and limited script.

Anchor Bay put this out widescreen a few years back but I watched it on a 50 cent video I picked up at the flea market. Shot open matte, everything is framed perfect for a satisfying full screen experience, and you get to see the crew members hand trying to steady a swinging rope after the climatic fight scene. Won’t get to see that in a spiffed up DVD.

Maybe I’m just nostalgic or extremely bored, but I have to recommend TUFF TURF, especially if you haven‘t seen it in a long time.

THE CAR (1977): THE REAL REASON FOR A MAYDAY

Since I was a little bitty drive-in kid, THE CAR had been one of those magical films that I always wanted to see again. I first saw it on television way back in the day, and there is one scene in this film, THE one scene that every one remembers, that scared the ever loving shit out of me and furthered my descent into horror, exploitation and all things a bit darker and sleazier. Well, that scene and the car’s horn, which I swore I heard outside my bedroom window many a night.



I guess it was about 1999 when ye ol’ Anchor Bay drove out the new model CAR. Never before released on home video, the 2:35 widescreen print of director Elliott Silverstein’s most interesting film was a watershed moment for a lot of genre nuts. If the future of DVD brings us widescreen releases of stuff like THE CAR, then we as movie fans not in love with the new school really do have a reason to live.



Jump ahead about 9 years. It’s May 6, 2008 and Anchor Bay’s version of THE CAR has been out of print on VHS and DVD for sometime, commanding collector’s prices for both on eBay. During a rough patch, I had to liquidate my DVD collection and THE CAR was one of those that had to go. I’ve rued the day since then, but then what do you know about that? A major Hollywood studio went and done me a solid.



Universal Pictures has re-released THE CAR onto DVD, which I’m assuming is because the rights Anchor Bay had lapsed. And fuck Cinco de Mayo, you drunk stupid gringos, because what we should be celebrating is Seis de Mayo, for it is the rebirth of THE CAR on Region 1 soil.



On May 13, 1977, twelve days before the unleashing of that garbage ass STAR WARS, America had the theatrical release of THE CAR given to them and the asshole filmgoers of the time ignored it. For shitty ass robots, of all things.

Now, almost 31 years to the day of its original unveiling, America can now rectify its error and run out and get themselves a new refurbished CAR, and possibly figure out that this sleeper of a horror flick is ten times better than that fucking wookie movie people can’t seem to let go of.



James Brolin stars as Wade Parent, a sheriff whose small Utah desert community happens to run afoul of the titular car. The car, a 1971 Lincoln Mark III designed by custom king George Barris of Munsters and Batman vehicle fame, just shows up. It starts running people off the road, killing cops and attacking children and horses and private homes. It’s a long, black, creepy monstrosity with a lowered top and tinted amber windows. It has no door handles and it seems to be lacking a driver as well.



As more people are ground into the Utah dirt by the car’s evil wheels, it comes to no surprise that sooner or later, somebody in the cast was going to bring the idea of the supernatural into play. And that person would be the impotent, alcoholic and god-fearing deputy Luke played by master thespian Ronny Cox.

And the thing is, he’s right.



It’s the devil, or a disciple of the devil, or just pure telepathic evil, but whichever one it is, the car itself is real and must be stopped. And what’s left of the police force along with local dynamite salesman/mountain blaster R.G. Armstrong (LONE WOLF MCQUADE) get together for a rip-roarin’ finale that caps what is still today, a fun and unpretentious horror film safe enough to show your kids but not stupid enough to bore you silly. And it is still better than STAR WARS.

THE CAR has quite a pedigree too. Director Silverstein helmed CAT BALLOU (1965) with Jane Fonda and Lee Marvin and the Richard Harris classic, A MAN CALLED HORSE (1970). Writers Michael Butler and Dennis Shyrack co-wrote Clint Eastwood’s best film THE GAUNTLET (1977), as well as Chuck Norris second best film, CODE OF SILENCE (1985) and went back to Eastwood again with PALE RIDER (1985). You’ve also got Ronny Cox (ROBOCOP, DELIVERANCE) and Oscar nominated John Marley (LOVE STORY, FACES) lending needing credibility to the proceedings (it is a possessed car movie) as well as the Sarah Silverman-esque Kathleen Lloyd (IT LIVES AGAIN, “Magnum P.I.”) making every thing easy on the eyes when she pops up.



One of the major things to mention about THE CAR, for me anyway, is the start of what I consider James Brolin’s sweet spot, career wise. You talk about a hot streak: this film in 1977, CAPRICORN ONE in 1978, THE AMITYVILLE HORROR in 1979, the criminally underrated NIGHT OF THE JUGGLER in 1980 and the 1981 buddy-action caper HIGH RISK with Cleavon Little (BLAZING SADDLES) and Anthony Quinn (ACROSS 110th STREET), which while not criminally underrated is underrated none the less. After RISK, we lost a great action star to the unfulfilling world of soap opera network TV.

I’m totally going to hang myself out on a limb here, but this transfer may be better than the Anchor Bay version. Granted I can’t make the comparison because I don’t have that release anymore, but for the life of me, I don’t remember it looking this good, and I know for a fact, that back in ’99, the Anchor Bay version was as sweet as they came.



And technically, this is a good-looking horror movie. Even though it resembles a made for TV pic in some respects (most 70’s Universal theatrical releases did), it’s obvious that Silverstein and YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN cinematographer Gerald Hirschfeld, knew just what they had in their surroundings and made excellent use of the Utah landscapes, shooting in glorious Panavision. The cinematography makes you want to jump right into the dusty, sun-soaked, mountainous terrain of the film, even if Satan is out there trying to run you down.



The Anchor Bay version had some well-written liner notes that are not included here and I remember them talking about filming people or possibly Ronny Cox in doorways to signify something, somehow getting arty about shooting THE CAR. Who knows? Maybe that’s what makes it so interesting and fun.

The Universal release is also missing the 5.1 surround present on the Anchor Bay version, opting here for a Dolby Digital 2.0 audio presentation. It works just fine for this anamorphic dual-layer disc. No chapter list, which is interesting but it does have the original trailer.



Like any film that helped shaped my odd tastes, it’s always good to see THE CAR again. Hell, there’s even a whole new generation of horror fans who’ve evolved since the original Anchor Bay release and have possibly been deprived due to the wacky price structure of quickly OOP DVD’s.

It’s Seis de Mayo, boys and girls. Forgo a few shots of tequila and THE CAR can be parked in your DVD player tonight.

THE DIRTBOMBS-"We Have You Surrounded"

There’s only one thing that could possibly get me to quit writing about movies and start writing about music.

A new Dirtbombs album.

It’s about time for a new LP of down and dirty rockers from the now legendary (well, to me at least) Michigan based Dirtbombs. Mick Collins of Gories and Blacktop fame and his rock steady crew continuously release hook- laden, punked out R&B with what seems to be minimal effort.

Dirtbombs albums, for the most part, don’t stray from the well produced trash rock formula Collins has perfected over the years and the 12 songs on “Surrounded” fit right in with all the others.

Standouts include the head-bobber “Ever Lovin’ Man”, the radio friendly, should-be-a-hit “Wreck My Flow” and “I Hear The Sirens” with it’s ability to make you involuntary hit the gas pedal and weave through traffic.

But the most important track is the lead off one, “It’s Not Fun Until They See You Cry.” An eerie and threatening sonic soundtrack to the world’s coolest action/exploitation film that hasn’t been made yet.

Get thee to a Dirtbombs show right after you buy the disc. It’s even better.

JOHN CARPENTER'S PRO-LIFE

Some of these MASTERS OF HORROR shows ain’t bad and matter of fact, CIGARETTE BURNS, the John Carpenter entry from the first season was pretty good. Carpenter’s second season entry , PRO-LIFE, is even better, give or take some lousy writing.

Anqelique runs through the woods and out into the road where she’s almost hit by doctor Alex (Mark Feuerstein, RULES OF ENGAGEMENT) and nurse Kim (Emmanuelle Vaugier, SAW II). They work in a abortion clinic somewhere in the middle of the Oregon woods and take Angelique there to make sure she’s alright. At the abortion clinic, they find out she’s pregnant and wants an abortion. Turns out, her father is Dwayne Burcell (Ron Perlman, CITY OF LOST CHILDREN), an abortion protestor with a restraing order. Dwayne and his three sons track down his daughter there and begin an assault on the medicos to get her back. However, all hell breaks loose literally, as we find out that the abortion foe’s daughter was impregnated by something evil from the bowels of inner earth.

The bad part about MASTERS OF HORROR are that the shows are cheap, which is fine, but some of these directors, like Carpenter, have a style that doesn’t seem to transcend to this under-funded television format. The two I’ve seen so far that break this mold are Joe Dante’s HOMECOMING and John Landis’s DEER WOMAN. However, that doesn’t make things all bad, as Carpenter ups the ante on implied torture and gushing gore which oddly enough, was never part of how he did business before.

The writing here is sloppy at points, especially when the story slows down to extend its running time. For example, Dwayne and his sons unload their weapons on a closed gate while trying to get in to the abortion clinic, but when faced with the wooden doors at the entrance, he sends the sons around the building to find another way in, allowing Carpenter to cut back to the drama inside. Similar padding happens a few more times , which means you could probably do this tale in about 30 minutes and some change, if not less.

The monster is pretty impressive for a low budget but the gore is a bit too digital for my taste. Acting is sub-par all around except for Perlman, who does a great job as the God-fearing father who learns too late the error of his ways.

While modestly entertaining if you catch it on TV, I can’t see anyone paying money to own this, especially when true Carpenter style is completely absent. Ol’ John needs to quit cashing his remake checks and turn out a new feature worthy of his talents.

TOMMOROW MOURNING (2007)

Look, I don’t want to discourage anyone from their dreams.

If making movies is something you want to do, then get out there and do it. But for god’s sake, don’t make something like TOMORROW MOURNING. And bad filmmaking should be treated like drunk driving: friends don't let friends make shit like this. When you lie to people and tell them what they're doing is good, you'll get TOMORROW MOURNING.

This shot on video mess is like CRASH, I’m guessing. I haven’t seen CRASH but the general jist of it seems the same. Matter of fact, here’s the premise straight from the horse’s mouth:

"premise.
it would seem as if we have control of our own lives and our own destinies. the life we lead is determined by the choices we make. the choices we must make are at times, if not always, somehow connected by the choices of others. do we really control our own fate? or is the randomness of it all so chaotic at first sight, that we cannot see how well organized life is, just below the surface.

this story is a glimpse into the lives of six strangers as they drift through life hoping the next door that opens will be the door to their salvation. they will all, in their own way, come to find that no matter what choices are made, life is not theirs to control. when a person hits the rocky bottom of their life they come to realize that at the bottom is where life truly begins.

each of these six people represent the foundation of the society we live in. more than a story about destiny, more than a story about prejudice and hatred, more than a look into the troubled lives of today's youth, tomorrow mourning is a harsh look into the darkest corners of society. it explores the idea that no part of society is exempt from loss and pain. there are two constants that remain true in all walks of life...time and pain. while time waits for no man, woman or child...pain does not discriminate."

The Kowalski version of the premise? A bunch of terrible actors with gay problems, drug problems, family problems and crime problems and goth problems and religious problems that come together in the same hotel room at the end.

And when I say come, I don’t even mean porno come, because if they did, it would have been a highlight of what could be the worst attempt at filmmaking.

Ever.

Actually, what’s more interesting is how I got the DVD. Walking around a Moviestop, I plucked it out of the comedy section. Apparently the makers of the film were engaging in guerrilla marketing and dropping off free copies in random places (you couldn’t ask anybody to pay for this). They even left a nice little note in Sharpie on the cellophane saying it’s free.

So I took it up to the cashier and said, Hey, it’s free. The Movie Stop employees were like what the fuck? Anyway, I took it home and waited a bit to watch it. Unfortunately, it doesn’t want to work on certain DVD players. After trying the third DVD player in the house, it loaded.

I consider myself an atheist, but I think that God people talk about may have been trying to tell me something. At least the Movie God.

Horrible overacting, cliched and miserable shakycam, a lot of meandering, a terrible script and the bad part is IT’S A FUCKING DRAMA. If you’re going to make a movie and not know how to make one, make aforementioned pornography, cheap gore, even a lame unfunny comedy.

But here’s the real kicker. THE GODDAMN THING IS ALMOST 3 HOURS LONG!

The director and co-writer, David Petlansky, is either the most egotistical man on the planet with a bunch of those friends I mentioned earlier who lie to him or he’s fucking clinically insane. Not only is it almost three hours long, but two discs chock full of crap nobody, not even the parents of everyone involved, would care about. Director and cast commentary, Deleted scenes (!), Behind the Scenes, Outtakes, Interviews.

Jesus Fucking Christ, Petlansky and Company are insane! It’s the only answer for this mess.

If they aren’t insane, it’s astounding how insulated from the real world the filmmakers are. It’s almost worth it to track down a copy to say that you have the worst movie ever made in your collection, with extras to boot. Not to kick a dog when its down, but I was so taken aback by the sheer awfulness of it all that I had to go to the film’s website.

Well, there’s no more website apparently. But there is a Myspace page. And, as no god as my witness, it’s in Myspace Music. Not Myspace Film.

Does the insanity ever stop with these people?

No, because you can go over to Café Press and SHIRTS WITH PICTURES OF PEOPLE FROM THE MOVIE AND THEIR CHARACTER’S NAMES ON THEM! Or the logo of the movie as well. For $19.

I clicked on the TM News button on the site and was taken over to a live journal page which hasn’t been updated for a year.

They sent the frigging thing to Cannes.

But this seals the deal. The people behind this monstrosity are certifiable. On Feb 1, 2007, the director (I’m assuming) wrote:

“i am so confident that tm is going to sneak up and blow some people away.”

You have. My god, you have.

When you make Andy Milligan look like Martin Scorsese, you have blown people away.

Am I being rude? If not blowing smoke up somebody's ass is considered rude nowadays. Unnecessarily mean? Not at all. Somebody has to tell these people that they've made an unwatchable vanity piece that almost begs to be seen just to prove it exists.

They've shown they've got the wherewithall to make a feature. Now they need to get some talent. Or at least work on other people's movies that have it.

My head hurts so much right now thinking about all this,I may sue.

BLADES OF GLORY (2007)

I guess at one time I was a Will Ferrell fan. I still am. I think.

However, BLADES OF GLORY wasn’t a movie I was going to run out and see. Since I no longer subscribe to the pop culture machine as much as I used to, when the trailers first showed up on TV and the theaters, I shook my head and wondered why. Another one about a marginal sport? It also seemed slapdash, like it sat on the shelf for a while and was coming on the heels of the hit, TALLADEGA NIGHTS, which really blew.

Kind of like TEEN WOLF to BACK TO THE FUTURE.

It’s showing on HBO now and I caught it tonight. Well, not the whole thing. I kept getting pestered by my drunk family members into stoking fires, hooking up a record player and eating Bojangles chicken. The dog needed some attention as well. Not once did I ever get pissed about having to get up and quit watching the movie.

It was that bad.

But it had a few amusing parts. The first male/male skate competition to get to Montreal had a chuckle or to. Jenna Fischer is easy on the eyes. Jon Heder is quite annoying though.

Ferrell’s drunk macho man shtick is funny, always has been, but it is getting a bit tiresome.

But who cares? People like it. People can do what they want. But people are stupid too.

I probably saw a total of 35 minutes of the movie, walking in and out between the beginning and the ending. I feel like I watched the whole film.

And now, there’s SEMI-PRO. I think Ferrell is going to kill his career or re-make Leif Garrett’s foosball classic LONGSHOT (1981). One or the other, or possibly both.

NEVER BACK DOWN from a clichéd KARATE KID script.

Some people just don’t get it. Look at those doofs called “critics” at Rotten Tomatoes who are slagging one of the better popcorn pictures of our still young year.

I fortunately do get it. And it’s good for you that I know what I’m talking about. That I know what I know. That I appreciate a good re-hash as long as it ups the ante on the exploitation it’s exploiting. And NEVER BACK DOWN? Well, it does just that.

Without me, you’d probably just dismiss this well-handled B-movie until it showed up on Spike TV at three in the morning.

Now to be quite honest, it’s not even a re-hash of THE KARATE KID (1984). It shares the same lineage, but really it’s a re-hash of the vastly underrated SHOWDOWN (1993), the Billy Blanks vehicle that starred him as a school janitor teaching a nebbish new student martial arts so he can beat up the kid who’s the school’s martial arts master and get his now ex-girlfriend (an early role for Ben Stiller’s wife, Christine Taylor). Of course, SHOWDOWN was a direct re-hash of KARATE KID, but the camp humor that abounded throughout made it stand out from the KARATE KID re-hash pack and ultimately surpass the vastly overrated KARATE KID itself. It also helps if you have the late Brion James as an irreverent school principal in your cast. If you haven’t seen SHOWDOWN, get thee to Ebay.

In NEVER BACK DOWN, Jake Taylor (Sean Faris, “One Tree Hill”) is a football player from Iowa with natural American Streetfighting ability who moves to Orlando, FL after the drunk driving death of his father and so his tennis-prodigy little brother can attend some tennis academy. Before you think we may get some tennis circuit hi-jinks ala THE BREAK (1995), the Vincent Van Patten cult classic that was THE KARATE KID of tennis, let it be known that the kid thinks his brother’s fighting is way cooler than tennis, which worries Jake’s bitchy mom (Leslie Hope, “RoboCop: Prime Directives”) because she blames Jake for the father’s death and doesn’t really like him or his fighting. Jake was with his dad the night he died and instead of taking the keys from him, he let Pops drive. Of course, if he didn’t let his dad kill himself, then he’d have no fuel to fight and NEVER BACK DOWN would be without its driving catalyst.

Now the second driving catalyst is high school rich boy/master of mixed martial arts is Ryan McCarthy (Cam Gigandet, WHO”S YOUR CADDY?) who beats Jake’s ass in a fight at a party. McCarthy’s girl, Baja (Amber Heard, ALPHA DOG), sets Jake up by inviting him to his own ass-kicking, but really, she just wants to Greco-Roman wrestle with the new guy. Jake’s new buddy, Max (Evan Peters, “Invasion”), convinces Jake that his natural American Streetfighting ability would gel well with mixed martial arts and therefore he takes up the ass-kicking business by training with Senegal-by-way-of-Brazil Jean Roqua (Djimon Hounsou, DEEP RISING), a mixed martial arts trainer whose got some of his own demons to fight and therefore ended up near Disney World.

At the end of NEVER BACK DOWN, there’s a big tournament and a happy ending. Which I knew was going to happen. You know it’s going to happen. It’s supposed to happen. In this post-post-irony period, if he didn’t win, it would look cliché.

What works best about NEVER BACK DOWN is that it succeeds greatly in giving the intended action audience what it wants. Many films nowadays (let’s say for example, the GONE IN 60 SECONDS remake) promise a decent enough trailer and the end result when all put together is stupendously boring and contemptuous of its demographic. Not the case here.

Every cliché is lovingly rendered for the 21st Century, every punch and crunch professionally sound designed for maximum cringe-inducing effect and every ass-kicking expertly staged by fight choreographers Damon Caro (DAWN OF THE DEAD remake) and Jonathan Eusebio (MAX HAVOC:CURSE OF THE DRAGON). Mucho kudos to director Jeff Wadlow (CRY WOLF) who took this son-of-a-bitch seriously; his attention to detail shows in the final product. Hell, he even rips off the x-ray bit from Chiba’s original STREETFIGHTER (1975) so you know he’s done his genre homework.

Let’s also give it up to writer Chris Hauty, whose only other IMDB credit was writing Disney’s HOMEWARD BOUND II. Was it desperation that led him to pitch KARATE KID meets UFC in Walt’s backyard? Whatever it was, bully for him, putting the pieces together where they need be (although, Chris, you know this shit is SHOWDOWN. You can’t fool me.)

One of the most important technical parts of NEVER BACK DOWN is that logic is never even hinted at. Genre movies lately try to inject logic in what is essentially an illogical universe, i.e. the movies.

At this new school in Orlando, EVERYBODY is all about mixed martial arts, kind of like Vince Lombardi High, where EVERYBODY was all about the Ramones, a world that only exists in the movies, which is what I want when I go to the movies.

There’s no cops, no punishment for those involved in illegal fighting or uploading teen fighting videos on the Internet and no monitoring of any of the kid’s activities in any way shape or form. These people don’t really exist so their world doesn’t exist thus making it an extremely fragile netherworld whose only enemy is any semblance of logic, which at that point would disrupt its universe like bad kryptonite and render NEVER BACK DOWN unforgivably pointless.

Needless to say, a cinematic experience like this is extremely rare and deserves your attention.

But NEVER BACK DOWN really deserves you attention because it’s never boring, consistently brutal and heart-warmingly familiar throughout its whole 110 minute running time. Like RAMBO, it promises what’s in the trailer. Unlike RAMBO, it doesn’t give you more. But for a SHOWDOWN rip-off, you don’t expect it to.

NEVER BACK DOWN is a great matinee or a fun night at the drive-in. And if you frequent the megaplex nowadays, these movies are few and far between. That said, this is the second action film in 2008 I can say that about.

Maybe something is happening in Hollywood.